A Child's World
Although I am now clearly an adult in years and knowledge, it is no secret that the world I have lived in for so long is one created by my imagination and, dare I say it, ignorance. Yes, even though my vocabulary and intellect are broader than they may appear on the outside, I will admit that I am often blissfully unaware of what goes on around me. Those who have met me know that I behave like an obnoxious child, and that is because my heart and soul are still that of a girl who has yet to face the world. It is as if I never lived out my childhood, that the child I was became frozen and never grew up. As if I never had a chance to grow up.......
I cling desparately to what few memories of my childhood remain with me now. Perhaps they were the only ones that ever happened.
As I continue living in this created world of mine, one created by the mind of a child who never existed, I fear that the strain I put on others may be much greater than I was ever aware of. Until this day I was always ignorant of other's feelings. My actions were mine alone and I never took the time to observe what kind of effect they might have had on others. And as for my feelings, well, those which I disliked I would tenaciously keep hidden away so that they would not interfere with my world, which felt so perfect to me. Alone, with but one guardian. Those were the feelings I did not understand, the ones that I never understood nor tried to understand. Funny. I myself love to learn about the things in the world outside of mine, say for instance the power of Alchemy that I have been granted. I even became my own teacher so I could better understand. But when it comes to my world, the opposite is true. I have no desire to allow reality alter my imaginary space. And yet, at the same time.......
A silent invader has found a way into that child's world. The one created for me and me alone to live in. I always believed that the world in my mind was impregnable, that it would remain untouched by others so long as I kept them at a distance. But alas, the ideals of a child never last. The only one who was ever granted access to the world of my mind was my dearest elder brother, and I'm certain he knows it, too. But now, two others from the outside have found their way into this world. One has opened her world to me, a world which is superior to mine in maturity. The other has done the unthinkable in my eyes. He tore a hole open in my reality.
As I stated before, one of the entities who have entered my child's world has caused me to begin to fray at the seams. Those feelings once locked away have found a sort of skeleton key in him, as they can resonate with his feelings and escape fleetingly. This scares me, the ignorant child. I've wanted to be close to him since we met, but the barriers of my world prevented it. Now he has come crashing through. He's destroyed part of my barrier, and I find that I am not able to repair it. And even now, as I make this personal observation, it slowly continiues to crumble. What seemed like a harmless little crack has now sealed the fate of the child that never existed. A greater part of me, living somewhere within me, yet just outside of the created world, wants to follow him anywhere he leads me. Perhaps this part of me is the Adult I have yet to become, awakened by the stranger. I feel as though I want to give him everything, my heart, my soul..... I want him there no matter how hard the child pushes him away. But all that I want to give is still held in the hands of a child, and so I can only watch sadly as I needlessly hurt him.
I cannot say for sure how much longer the child me can keep her world from falling apart, however. I believe I am scared of losing that part of me; if I let go of this world, then how will I ever be able to return to that child's paradise? There, I was safe from the corruption of the world, the things that could hurt me..... But in all reality, this seemingly benevolent world causes pain to those outside of it. However, one thing that draws me away from the world of my imagination is the whole that wonderful stranger created. Through it I can see some thing more beautiful than a silly dream world. Through it, I see something that can last through the eternity I've been blessed with. Something I want, but this world prevents me from having. And so, here I sit on the edge of a lonely child's world, wishing I could have things both ways.
Often I wonder if these two worlds could some how merge, allowing that forgotten child to live on through me. I don't want her to die, as I fear she might if I were to leave her world and enter that which lies beyond. At the same time, I continually feel more drawn to the stranger, feelings that I, the child and adult, still hide for fear of the pain they can bring. Sometimes I wonder if he ever hears me when I call to him, when both sides of me call to him. He still feels so distant.... I wonder if he would come for me if he knew I was here waiting.
The dreams of a child may be fleeting, but they are said to be the most powerful thing of all......